Productivity, and Other Lies Parents Tell

As I’m writing this, I’m sitting in the ugliest, most uncomfortable plastic chair you could think of. There are children screaming at dog whistle levels. Most of them are mine. My fingers are so purple, they match my favorite shirt perfectly. There are other things I could be doing right now to kill time until the awesomeness of Girl Scout cookies show up. (Love you Jo Jo. Seriously.) 

But the kids are having the time of their lives. So we’ll stay. For at least a little while longer.

 Revolving doors will keep them busy for hours. Trust me on this one.

The Hardest Part of Having Kids Was Learning How Not to Fail at Productivity

Last week I said I was going to set responsibility aside for a while and just be a mom. I think I’ve done pretty well at that this week. Helped along by the fact that my work load’s waaaaaaaaaaay down right now, my kids were on vacation, and we didn’t really have anything else we HAD to do. But as much as I’d like to pretend otherwise, there’s no getting around the fact that I still have to buy groceries. I still have to get the kids to dance and swim and tae kwon do. There are going to be days like today where it’s just an endless stream of errands from one end to the other.

Maybe I’ve romanticized it a little in my mind, but running errands feels like it was a lot easier when all I had to do was move the kids from carseat to shopping cart to car seat to stroller and back again. They weren’t running in three directions at once. They weren’t squabbling and fighting and forgetting to look with their eyes instead of their hands. They certainly weren’t boinging off the ceiling.

These days, my kids manage to do all of that. In a single trip. The fact that I still have hair is a miracle. The fact that I haven't just started keeping duct tape and handcuffs in the car is an ever bigger one. Fortunately, there are saner (and slightly less creepy) ways we get through our day. 

The most important of which is to plan lots and lots of time for time outs.

Sticking Your Kids on Time Out in the Car is a GOOD Idea??

Nope. Not if I want to have a car left, at any rate. No, I'm talking about something much more simple. Time out during the day. Time to stretch and play. Breaks between running errands to let them be kids instead of the mini-adults I expect them to be when they’re standing in line. 

At a birthday party a few years back, a friend asked if I took my kids to Chuck E. Cheese after running errands as a reward for being good. He looked slightly scandalized when I admitted that nope, we usually hit the House of Mouse first and bumped everything else back until after.

Yes, it’s kind of like eating your dessert first. You get the reward, then you have to slog through the healthy stuff you don’t really want (that you usually just suffer through to get to dessert). No, it probably doesn’t do a lot to teach self-control and delayed gratification.

But.

It might just be my kids, but I know after an hour long car ride, the mini-occupants of my back seat are ready to explode. They’re not going to walk quietly through the store. They’re not going to sit peacefully at the restaurant. Heck, I’m lucky if they don’t go running out into traffic!

I suppose I could spend the entire trip trying to get them to stay calm by promising them a treat later, but honestly? It’s a lot easier to take 30-40 minutes, go to Chuck E. Cheese (or the park, or the McDonald’s playplace, or whatever) and let them burn out that overflow of energy first. Then they’re a little calmer, and I’ve got a fighting chance at getting through the day with my sanity intact!

What are Your Super Secret Secrets?

Everyone has little tips and tricks that help them get through days of productivity relatively unscathed. This is mine-take lots and lots of breaks to let your kids be kids. What are your super secret secrets of productivity after you’ve added kidlets to your day?  

Responsibility Killed the Parenting Star

I can’t say I go out of my way to keep my personal views out of this blog. It’s just not nice to lie like that. But I have noticed in the past few months that I’ve been leaning more heavily toward facts than personal experiences. That’s  not what I started this blog for, and it took me a little while to put my finger on what the heck was going on. 

Quite simply, I’m figuring out that I’m way overdue to figure out how to be a parent.

When my kids were younger, being a parent was actually pretty easy. Feed them, change them. Teach them to use a fork and a spoon and walk them through their ABC’s. Take them to the playground, and remember to take time to go jump in a mud puddle every now and then.

 Simple. 

Then School and Expectations Rear Their Ugly Heads

Mr. A will be 11 in April. Princess C is turning 9 in less than two months, and G-money is exploring the wide, wonderful world of being 6. And I’m realizing that somewhere along the way, I stumbled. I tripped. I was so busy trying to be a good parent to three school-age kids that I forgot what it meant to be a parent.

Homework gets done. My first grader read his first chapter book the other day, and he’s starting in on his second. My fifth grader just tested at the 11^th grade reading level.

11^th grade, people. We took a time-out to celebrate that night.

The kids are in dance and tae kwon do. They take swim lessons and have their friends over on the weekends. I’m conscious of how much junk food they eat, how much time they spend playing video games and how much smack I let them talk before I remind them that if it’s not nice, and it’s not necessary, it really doesn’t need to come out of their mouths.

But I can’t remember the last time we went outside to dance in the rain. Or busted out the fingerpaints. Or built a tower out of cards on the kitchen table.

It’s not that we’re too busy, although it feels that way sometimes. Sure, our nights are full, but there’s always time for one more story. One more laugh. One more hug. It’s just that somewhere along the way, I got busy being responsible. 

Ugh. That word sends a shiver down my spine.

It’s true though. When I have free time at night, it usually ends up being laundry time or dishes time or pick-up-themess-in-my-living-room-that-never-stops-breeding time. Bed time is bed time. Dinner time is dinner time. Somewhere along the way, I got so busy “doing” that I forgot living isn’t about how clean your dishes are. And no matter what my neighbors think, it’s not about the last time I mowed my grass either.

It’s about the number of hugs in a day. It’s staying up late to watch a movie with your kids. It’s letting homework wait an extra half hour so you can go to the park. Eating cereal for dinner so you have time for that second game of UNO. And a third.

At the dinner table last night, we were talking about where the kids wanted to live when they grew up. And G-money crawled right up in my lap and cried because he didn’t want to stop living with me.

It was a kick in the pants, because that stage isn’t going to last forever. By the time he’s 18, he’s going to be foaming at the mouth to live someplace where mom and dad aren’t. And right now, I’m wasting these sweet, precious years worrying about how clean my house is or whether or not the kids have clean pants to wear.

My Promise to My Kids

So today, I’m doing something bold. Something daring. I’m giving up on being a responsible parent and focusing on being the parent that my kids need me to be. If that means washing a load of laundry at 6 in the morning so the kids have clean clothes, or doing dishes before dinner just to have a plate to eat on, or stepping on toys because it doesn’t happen to be Sunday, then that’s what it means. I don’t want to look back on these years and realize I’ve been so worried about being a responsible parent I forgot to take the time to be a good one.

I’m also requiring 48 hours notice if you want my house to be clean when you come to visit. Otherwise, you take what you get. Consider yourself warned.

When Should You Kick the Diaper Habit?

If there’s any milestone in the civilized world that garners more attention than potty training, I haven’t found it yet. Everyone has some advice to offer. Everyone has a timeline for when it should happen. 

Everyone can tell you all about how you’re doing it wrong.

Personally, I put potty training up there somewhere in the fifth circle of Hell. The wrathful section, that is. Parents and children caught in a never-ending struggle for supremacy. And anyone who’s danced the potty-training tango can tell you that this time, you're not the one holding the cards.

The mini-tyrants are the ones with the power.

Tee Time

If you’re going to start potty training, you HAVE to understand that one little fact. You aren’t the one that holds the power in that relationship. You can beg, cajole, blackmail, bribe and plead. That doesn’t mean that your little tycoon-in-training is going to kick those diapers to the curb one millisecond sooner than when they’re good and ready.

Three frustrating rounds of potty training later, I know. Oh, do I know. My eye (and the rest of me) still twitches violently every time I think about it.

So they hold the power, but if you’re going to get them out of diapers sometime before Kindergarten you have to take the reins. How the heck do you balance that?

Follow the Signs

Potty training success relies almost exclusively on your ability to tell when their objectives and yours are in the same century. You have to recognize the signs, none of which are as obvious as running through the hallways holding a pair of clean underwear and shouting, “Hasta la vista, diapers!”

So when MIGHT they be ready? Keep an eye out for any and all of the following:

·           

      Sneaking into the bathroom and playing with the toilet. (Flushers. Keep an eye out.) 

·          

      Taking off wet/poopy diapers on their own.

·         Telling you when they need a diaper change.

·         Willingly sitting on the potty. Reading a book, playing games. Kids who aren’t ready to potty train will fidget or run screaming in the other direction.

·         Lusting after big-kid underwear. The more they want it, the more they’re willing to work for it.

Be Willing to be a Sunday Driver

It’s tempting to jump all over your kids the minute they start showing the signs. This is one of those times where it pays to be a Sunday driver. Pushing your kids too far, too fast is going to put you farther back than you were when you started.

Move slow. Follow their lead. If you find that they’re digging in and rebelling, put potty training on ice. 

Sometimes a three to six month break is all you need. Come back to it.

Let them be the boss. It’s worth it in the end.

When Should You Kick the Diaper Habit?

If there’s any milestone in the civilized world that garners more attention than potty training, I haven’t found it yet. Everyone has some advice to offer. Everyone has a timeline for when it should happen. 

Everyone can tell you all about how you’re doing it wrong. 

Personally, I put potty training up there somewhere in the fifth circle of Hell. The wrathful section, that is. Parents and children caught in a never-ending struggle for supremacy. And anyone who’s danced the potty-training act can tell you that parents aren’t the ones holding the cards. 

The mini-tyrants are the ones with the power. 

Tee Time

 If you’re going to start potty training, you HAVE to understand that one little fact. You aren’t the one that holds the power in that relationship. You can beg, cajole, blackmail, bribe and plead. That doesn’t mean that your little tycoon-in-training is going to kick those diapers to the curb one millisecond sooner than when they’re good and ready.

Three frustrating rounds of potty training later, I know. Oh, do I know. My eye (and the rest of me) still twitches violently every time I think about it. 

Therein lies the true dilemma of parenting through potty training. They hold the power, but if you’re going to get them out of diapers sometime before Kindergarten you have to take the reins. How the heck do you balance that? 

Follow the Signs

Potty training success relies almost exclusively on your ability to tell when their objectives and yours are in the same century. You have to recognize the signs, none of which are as obvious as running through the hallways holding a pair of clean underwear and shouting, “Hasta la vista, diapers!” 

So when MIGHT they be ready? Keep an eye out for any and all of the following: 

·         Sneaking into the bathroom and playing with the toilet. (Flushers. Keep an eye out.) 

·         Taking off wet/poopy diapers on their own. 

·         Telling you when they need a diaper change. 

·         Willingly sitting on the potty. Reading a book, playing games. Kids who aren’t ready to potty train will fidget or run screaming in the other direction. 

·         Lusting after big-kid underwear. The more they want it, the more they’re willing to work for it. 

Be Willing to be a Sunday Driver

It’s tempting to jump all over your kids the minute they start showing the signs. This is one of those times where it pays to be a Sunday driver. Pushing your kids too far, too fast is going to put you farther back than you were when you started. 

Move slow. Follow their lead. If you find that they’re digging in and rebelling, put potty training on ice. Sometimes a three to six month break is all you need. Come back to it. 

Let them be the boss. It’s worth it in the end.

Why 3 Kids Will Always Be Easier Than One

Do you remember the day you first brought home your tiny little burrito of joy? They were small. Red. Cried a lot. And completely transformed the rhythm of your day. 

So much so that you often wondered how on earth anyone managed with more than one. This mini-tyrant was taking over your life!

Chillax. Breathe. We’ve all been there. The simple truth is that unless you spent your formative years bringing up your brothers and sisters, you have no idea what you’re getting into when you drop a baby into the house. It’s amazing how something so small manages to take up so much time and space. At the end of the day, you’re exhausted!

Which, invariably, is when someone looks around your house, scrunches up their nose and asks, “What did you DO all day?”

Resist the urge to kill them. It’s just better that way.

Why On Earth Would You Add a Few More Kids?

Three kids means three times the dishes. Three times the laundry. Three times the running around. Three times the questions, the temper tantrums, the crabby days, the doctor’s visits. Three times the mess. (I’m pretty sure that actually increases by five once you add Princess C to the equation, but I don’t have any proof to back that up.)

Here’s the thing. Kids love kids. Kids love kids in all sizes, shapes and forms. They’re just so much more FUN than grown-ups!

Now that I have three kids, I have more free time. Why? Because when they’re bored, they go track down each other instead of me. That means that dinner gets made while the kids are playing Yu-Gi-Oh instead of when they’re sitting on my hip. Books can be read at the park while they play tag (especially if you grab 2 or 3 friends to bring along).

Then There’s the Part Where They’re Growing Up

Mr. A loves getting to come home and make hot chocolate for himself and his little brother. G-money thinks it’s the coolest thing ever when bubby makes his snack instead of mom. Princess C likes helping her little bro pick out his clothes in the morning, and all three of them team up to get rooms cleaned, beds made and Sunday chores out of the way so they can get to the important stuff.

Being a mommy of three is more chaotic, more time-crunched and a heck of a lot more expensive than being a mommy of one, but there’s no denying it’s a whole lot easier.

Chicken Pox Carnage, Take One

This week started off with a bang. No, really. Sunday night rang in Monday morning rather epically with a raging pillow fight…and the “thud” of my youngest hitting the floor, neck and shoulders first, mid-skirmish. Insert bath time here to loosen aching muscles and low and behold, we see what looks like hives plastered all across his chest.

Yep. Time to pick up the phone and dial a doctor. Off we go, only to find out we’re not fighting with anything as harmless as overactive basophils. Oooooooooh no. Along with a nice case of whiplash, we’re going head to head with…duh duh duh…our first REAL case of chicken pox!

There’s Fake Chicken Pox?

Meh. Sort of. See, thanks to a little thing called the varicella vaccine, chicken pox has been a frequent but wimpy visitor in this house. A few spots here. A few spots there. Kids score a day off of school, mom plasters them in Calamine, and we're good to go.

This time, however, G Money just couldn’t do it. At this writing he’s got a nice strip wrapping over his shoulder and around his chest, with a massive colony of spots hiding under the skin and promising to make an appearance by tomorrow morning. He’s itchy. Whiny. WAY past cranky. And leaving mom and dad scrambling for ways to get through the next week without giving in to the urge for an unexpected trip to Fiji to put ourselves out of our misery.

War Stories to Come

You’d think, given the fact that both dad and myself had a miserable case of chicken pox when we were younger, that we’d have some awesome techniques up our sleeve. You’d be wrong. Even after a couple of minor cases floating around the house, we’re still staring blankly at the munchkin as the spots keep marching on.

I’m sure I’m going to have some awesome survival stories by the end of the week (and the phone number for the pizza delivery place and the liquor store on speed dial), but for now I have the Aveeno in one hand and a bottle of Caladryl in the other. So let me shout out to you, all those amazing, wonderful, experienced parents out there. How did you survive your first case of chicken pox?

Are You Turning Your Kids Into Quitters?

How many of you read Mamapedia? 

I have to admit, I’m a bit of a junkie for mommy blogs. Not as much now as when my kids were younger. Moms with school-age kids seem to spend less time sitting at a keyboard than those with little ones that actually nap during the day. I blame all the driving around we do after the fact. Which actually brings me to my point.

Earlier this week, there was an article on Mamapedia about a woman who was concerned about her son. He’d started swim team early in the summer with a tremendous amount of enthusiasm and verve. Six months of competition later, he was in tears before his swim meet. He didn’t want to do it. He didn’t want to be there. He wanted to quit.

Mom was concerned that giving him the thumbs-up to drop out of swimming would encourage him to give up too soon. That it would detract from him doing something great. Or maybe he was just showing that swimming wasn’t his true love, and she should let him step out of the pool and get back to the baseball that he loved. Sounds reasonable, right? We all want to do what’s best for our kids.

Did I mention he was only five?

With the constant push from society to nudge our kids into activities and keep them there, along with research that shows the younger a child is when they start, the more successful they’re going to be, it’s no wonder that parents are worrying about these things at a young age. What kind of habits are we teaching our kids if we let them throw in the towel when the going gets tough? Stay the course, young man! You’ll thank me when you’re older!

I’m not going to say that pushing your kids to succeed isn’t good for them. Drive. Discipline. Etc, etc. Chinese parents have been doing it for years. So if you’re the type of parent who believes their kids should stick with it, forever and ever, no matter what…stop reading here. No really. What I’m about to say is going to piss you off beyond all possible belief.

Nothing Says, “Do It Or Else!” Like Kids in Ballet

I was one of those kids who couldn’t stand sitting around the house. Soccer. Softball. Band. Cheerleading. Scouts. Youth Group. I was into everything. So I have to admit to nudging my kids out the door as often as possible.

Nothing, however, has given me as fine a respect for allowing kids to make their own choices as having a daughter that does ballet.

Princess C’s working on her fifth year of dance. We did two years of ballet before moving north, then another two years of it once we got here. (She’s taking a break from it to do hip hop and jazz this year instead, but insists she’s going back next year.)

Ladies and gentlemen, ballet moms are scary. I’m not talking about the kind that show up, drop off their kids and hike down to the coffee shop until they’re done. I get those. I’m talking about the ones that shove their crying four year old into the room week after week when she obviously doesn’t want to be there. That make it impossible for their girls to make friends, because parents carry the competition for parts out of the studio. Mudslinging. Insults. Subtle sabotage. Politics have NOTHING on the wide, wonderful world of dance.

In short, I’m saying these moms want it more than their kids do.

Hey, I’ve Been There

Confession time. When my oldest started Tae Kwon Do at the age of 6, we were thrilled. He loved it. He had a good time. He wasn’t bad at it. 10 months later, however, he stopped wanting to go. Classes started with tears and revolt and bribes and threats to get him out the door. He genuinely didn’t want to be there.

When I stepped back to look at why I was pushing a 7 year old so hard to do something he obviously didn’t want to do, I realized it was because it was something I wanted for him. I wanted him to find his niche, something he could stick with. I wanted it more than he did. When I finally made that connection, we went ahead and pulled him out. And while I could have done without the fee that came with pulling him out before the year was up, it’s not a decision I regret.

Kids Try EVERYTHING

At some point, kids are going to try a wide range of activities. Some they’ll stick with. Some they won’t. (I know one season of softball was MORE than enough for me.) Letting them stop isn’t teaching them to quit. It’s teaching them to save their time for doing the things they love rather than spending all their time on the things they hate.

My recommendation to moms who are worried about their kids starting and stopping activities with abandon? Don’t worry about it. If their sport has a season, encourage them to ride it out. That teaches them the value of being a team player and finishing their commitment. If it’s something that goes year-round, like swim or tae kwon do, choose a stopping point. Maybe it’s a meet. Maybe it’s a belt test. Just something that provides a definitive end.

Maybe they’ll change their minds. Maybe they won’t. But this way you’re empowering them to make their own decisions. To take chances. To try new things. To stretch their wings.

Really, isn’t that what being a parent is all about?